What about the Spouse?

The Critical Role of a Spouse in ReLeading

Last week, I had the privilege of a day-long consultancy with a church leadership team deeply immersed in their difficult ReLeader journey. We were navigating through the challenges of healing, trust-building, and establishing a vibrant, healthy culture following a devastating moral failure from the previous Lead Pastor.

That day, I experienced a profound and revelatory moment that deeply enriched my understanding of ReLeading truths. I'm eager to share this journey with you, hoping it resonates and offers encouragement.

Here is what I quickly realized:
I've long recognized the burden ReLeading places on the leader. Yet, it was a jarring realization to see how this extends to the spouse, exposing them to similar impacts and trauma.

During these sessions, we undertook a poignant exercise, setting aside an hour for each participant to openly express their deepest pains. This emotionally charged period offered leaders a rare sanctuary to voice the hurts and challenges they've silently carried. While the process can be raw and wrenching, it serves as a critical step toward healing.

In a unique twist this time, the team leaders' spouses were also invited. Initially, I was uncertain about their participation, but in hindsight, it was a decision I'm deeply grateful for.

The session took a deeper dive into vulnerability when the spouses began to share. The intensity of their raw emotions and the honesty about their pain was staggering. It was a moment of true revelation, shedding light on the profound effects of ReLeading on the family.

Surprisingly, I discovered that the emotional weight carried by the spouses was often deeper and more impactful than that experienced by the staff members themselves. This revelation was profoundly intriguing, and I'm eager to share the insights that emerged from it.

Here is what I realized…

Busyness Numbs the Pain

Leaders often find themselves juggling so many responsibilities daily that there's scarcely a moment to pause and process their own pain and loss. It's akin to military medics on the battlefield, so focused on tending to others' wounds that they overlook their own.

Consider the tale of a Navy Seal team tasked with a perilous mission to rescue a hostage from enemy hands. Aware of the dangers and bracing for a firefight, they executed a daring assault, secured the hostage, and withdrew to safety. Only after ensuring his team's well-being did the captain learn from a subordinate, with surprise, that a knife was lodged in his thigh—an injury he had completely failed to notice amid the chaos and adrenaline.

This story serves as a metaphor for leadership. Leaders are often so driven by the urgency of their task or mission that they remain oblivious to their own wounds, propelled by a rush of adrenaline that masks the pain. Never slowing down long enough to process their pain and find healing.

In contrast, spouses aren't engulfed in the day-to-day frenzy or the adrenaline-fueled numbing of the pain. They are steeped in the pain, observing the toll these challenges take on their partners without the distractions that offer temporary relief. This constant exposure, without the buffer of daily urgencies, can lead to a deep resentment toward the forces—be it individuals or organizations—that bring such distress into their lives.

Spouses are an Amplifier

This week brought another insightful revelation: a leader's emotions are frequently reflected in their spouse. Observing their partner offers a revealing window into the depth of a leader's pain, unveiling the full extent of their emotional landscape.

Imagine yourself at the far end of a 10,000-seat auditorium, with someone on stage strumming an acoustic guitar. The sound reaches you, albeit faintly, making it challenging to discern the melody and individual notes. Suddenly, when the guitar connects to the sound system, everything changes: what was once a soft echo transforms into a clear, crisp symphony, allowing you to appreciate every detail of the music. This amplification is key to truly understanding the nuances of the sound.

I realized that day that spouses act as this amplifier. Trying to perceive the leader's emotional state without this amplification is like trying to listen to the guitar's melody from afar. The raw emotion and vulnerability displayed by spouses bring clarity and depth to the leader's feelings, acting as a direct conduit to their true emotions. This dynamic transcends gender; it isn't about one being more emotional than the other. Both female and male spouses have proven to be equally effective amplifiers, revealing the genuine emotional state of the leader.

The Spouse is Key in the Organizations Healing Journey

I can’t believe I missed this.

The leader spends more time with their spouse than anyone else. To believe that such constant companionship wouldn’t influence their thoughts, emotions, and actions is to overlook a fundamental aspect of human connection.

Organizational change follows a distinct flow, operating on a "top-down" principle much like how a rising tide lifts all boats in the harbor.

Consider Psalm 133:2 (NLT), which describes unity and blessing flowing downwards: "It is like the precious oil poured on the head, running down on the beard, running down on Aaron’s beard, down on the collar of his robe."

This visual serves as a powerful metaphor for leadership's role in healing within any congregation or group they lead. The process must start with the leadership—guiding the team towards healing is the initial step. A leader cannot guide others toward healing without first navigating their own path to recovery.

Yet, the integral role of the spouse in this dynamic had eluded me until recently. This revelation prompts a crucial inquiry: Can a leader truly achieve healing if their spouse remains wounded? The Bible's portrayal of marriage as a union of two into one suggests that healing is a collective endeavor, starting with the most intimate leadership unit: the household. Thus, there's a direct link between the healing journey of an organization and that of the leaders’ spouses.

What are Your Thoughts?

This was a big learning week for me! I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject.