Killing the People-Pleaser in You

Why You are One and How to Stop It

1 Corinthians 4:3-4 (NLT) - As for me, it matters very little how I might be evaluated by you or by any human authority. I don’t even trust my own judgment on this point. My conscience is clear, but that doesn’t prove I’m right. It is the Lord himself who will examine me and decide.

Looking back on my ReLeader journey, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, but one stands out above the rest: I fell into the paralysis trap of people-pleasing. Actually, I wasn’t paralyzed at all, I was more like a sailboat without a rudder, drifting wherever the opinions of others blew me. I was so unsure of how to lead that I allowed those voices to easily sway my direction. God, in His grace, protected me through that time, but if I could go back 10 years and speak to my 35-year-old self, I’d say, “God has called YOU to ReLead this church—so stop catering to others and lead.”

I’m not advocating for a heavy-handed leadership style—no one wants to follow a dictator. But I had become overly concerned with what others thought of me, and it was impacting how I led. The church was declining, and I was anxious about turning things around. People’s jobs were on the line, livelihoods at stake, and yes, my own reputation as a leader felt fragile. In my fear, I gave too much weight to the opinions of others, allowing them more control than I should have. Perhaps you have been there before. When we lead with a hint of uncertainty, every suggestion that comes along not only seems more certain than ours—it starts to dictate our direction.

So what do we do? How do we avoid the leadership trap of people-pleasing? Well, I’ve got a few thoughts.

Values vs. Compliance

It’s easy to assume that people-pleasing is just a personality trait. Some people seem naturally more eager to please, while others appear more assertive. But here’s the real truth: people-pleasing isn’t about personality—it’s about values. When we’re constantly trying to meet everyone’s expectations, it’s often because we lack clear, firmly established values to guide us. Even the biggest people-pleaser in the world has a few non-negotiables. Maybe they’re strict about punctuality. While they may be indecisive or easily swayed on vision or direction, they’re rock-solid when it comes to being on time. Why? Because punctuality is a value to them. The issue of people pleasing isn’t a personality flaw; it’s the absence of well-defined values to shape their resolve. In the end, it’s not a people-pleaser problem—it’s a values problem.

You don’t have a people-pleaser problem, you have a values problem.

Imagine you’re building a house. Without a solid foundation, the structure shifts and cracks over time. The walls buckle under pressure, and the entire house becomes unstable. The same thing happens in leadership. Without a firm foundation of values, leaders buckle under the weight of external pressures. They become reactive, constantly adjusting to fit the demands of others rather than staying grounded in their core convictions.

When your values are strong and unwavering, the need for validation from others diminishes. You no longer feel the pressure to adjust your leadership based on every piece of feedback or every passing opinion. You lead from a place of conviction, not compliance.

Even Jesus, during His ministry, refused to fall into the trap of people-pleasing. Time and again, we see examples of Him disappointing people in order to stay true to His mission. He didn’t seek to control the narrative or project an image that would make Him universally liked. Instead, He operated out of a clear sense of purpose, never allowing the expectations of others to dictate His actions.

As ReLeaders, we often step into broken systems where the temptation to please is especially strong. The old guard wants to maintain the status quo. Employees might resist change, and stakeholders might pressure us to conform to their preferences. But our job isn’t to comply with everyone’s wishes—it’s to bring the organization back into alignment with values that matter.

Projected Image vs. Perceived Image

One of the greatest pitfalls in leadership is the gap between the image we project and how we’re truly perceived. I often say, “If you want to know your weaknesses as a leader, just ask your team—they know them intimately.” Yet many leaders feel pressured to project an image of perfection: always having the right answers, never making mistakes, and leading fearlessly. At the core of every people-pleaser is someone projecting an image to everyone around them, constantly molding their image to gain approval.

But no matter what image you try to project, your team always has a more accurate perceived image of you. They’re sharper than you might think. Continuing to pretend you’re something you’re not is one of the biggest disservices you can do to them. It’s a subtle insult—they already know the truth, and they value authenticity far more than a polished facade.

Craig Groeschel says it well at the end of every episode of his podcast: “People would rather follow a leader who’s always real than someone who’s always right.” So why do we find it so difficult just to be real? The reality is that leaders don’t always have the answers. Sometimes, we’re just as uncertain or afraid as the people we lead.

The most powerful tool a leader can possess is the bold and transformative gift of self-awareness—a rare, yet deeply impactful quality that changes everything it touches. But it’s not just about having self-awareness; it’s about embracing it and living into that reality in front of those who follow you. If you’re quirky, own it. If you’re forgetful, own it. If organization isn’t your strength, admit it. If you need help, ask for it. If you’re lost or confused about the next step, be honest about it. Leadership isn’t about being flawless; it’s about being real, relatable, and willing to grow. People are drawn to this kind of authenticity and will follow you because of it.

Too often, leaders put enormous effort into projecting an image of strength, competence, and control. We want to be seen as successful and confident. But the image we try so hard to maintain often has little connection to how we are truly perceived by those around us.

The more we focus on maintaining a polished image, the further we drift from our authentic selves. This is where hypocrisy takes root—when the person we pretend to be is far from the person we actually are. In leadership, this gap between the projected image and the perceived image can create a crisis.

The Pharisees in the Bible were masters at projecting an image of righteousness, yet Jesus constantly exposed their hypocrisy. He warned them that their outward appearance didn’t match their inner reality: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean” (Matthew 23:27). The danger of projecting an image that doesn’t align with our true values is that, eventually, the truth comes out.

For ReLeaders, authenticity is the antidote to this kind of hypocrisy. When we lead from a place of strong, clearly defined values, we no longer need to manipulate how others perceive us. Instead of worrying about maintaining a false image, we stay rooted in who we genuinely are.

Final Thoughts

Leaders who rely on compliance over values and focus on projecting an image rather than embracing how they are truly perceived will always face struggles. They’ll be pulled in multiple directions, swayed by opinions, and driven by fear. In contrast, leaders anchored in their values, who accept their true image, don’t need to chase others’ approval. Their confidence is rooted in a solid foundation of principles that guide every decision.

As ReLeaders, we are held to a higher standard. We step into broken systems not to comply with old expectations, but to realign them with values that truly matter. As Paul reminds us, our ultimate accountability isn’t to those around us, but to God Himself.

So, ask yourself: Are you leading from a place of compliance or conviction? Are your values solid and unwavering, or do they shift with the tides of opinion?

If you’re feeling the pressure to please people, it may be time to revisit your values and take a good hard look at your perceived image. When your values and self-awareness are strong, you won’t need others’ approval to guide you—you’ll already know the way forward.

Let me know your thoughts.