Thick Skin, Soft Heart

The Chain Mail Principle of Effective Leadership

This past week, I faced one of those decisions every leader dreads—the kind you wish you could avoid, but deep down, know you can’t. It was the kind of decision where nobody wins. It was lose-lose all around, and I had to be willing to take the punches. I knew a certain group wouldn’t understand, that I’d become their target, and that accusations, misunderstandings, and criticisms would surely follow. And they did.

Honestly, it hurt. But leadership often hurts.

If you're a leader—especially a ReLeader stepping into situations you didn’t create—criticism and opposition are inevitable. The key isn’t to avoid being hit; it’s learning to absorb the blows without letting them break you. Every good leader needs thick skin. But here's the balance: your skin can't become so thick that it hardens your heart, either.

There's a delicate tension we must master—toughness without losing tenderness, strength without losing sensitivity.

Great leaders aren’t defined by their immunity to criticism but by their ability to let it refine them without defining them.

Chain Mail: The Art of Protection with Mobility

One of my favorite illustrations of this comes from the history of battle armor. Ancient soldiers wore heavy armor—large plates of metal designed for protection. Effective? Sure. But they were cumbersome, restrictive, and terribly exhausting. You could barely move, let alone fight with agility.

Then came chain mail.

Developed around the 4th century BC by the Celts, chain mail revolutionized armor. It was crafted meticulously from thousands of tiny, interlinked metal rings, creating a mesh-like covering. It provided soldiers incredible flexibility and range of motion, dramatically increasing agility without sacrificing protection. Suddenly, warriors could fight, move, pivot, and advance swiftly. They were protected but never paralyzed. They took blows without being immobilized.

Leadership is like wearing chain mail—strong enough to take the hits, flexible enough to keep moving. It’s protection without paralysis. And every leader needs it.

Leadership Chain Mail

Thick skin in leadership is a lot like chain mail. When criticism comes—and it will—you need protection. If every harsh word or misunderstanding pierces your heart, you'll quickly become ineffective. You'll hesitate at every decision, live in constant self-doubt, or even crumble emotionally. I've seen too many leaders collapse simply because they couldn’t endure the weight of criticism.

But at the same time, if your skin becomes too thick—more like the heavy plate armor—you risk losing your emotional agility. You stop hearing people, genuinely connecting, or sensing their true needs. Overly hardened leaders become distant, detached, and dismissive. People become numbers, opinions become noise, and soon your leadership lacks the human warmth and empathy that drew people to trust you in the first place.

Chain mail leadership is the perfect balance. You're guarded enough to take blows without internalizing every hit, but agile enough to stay emotionally responsive and connected. You remain relationally mobile, fully yourself, fully engaged, able to pivot, adapt, and run forward even under fire.

Taking Hits Without Changing Who You Are

When I had to make that tough decision this week, the punches came quickly and predictably. Yet, through it all, I found myself quietly reminded of who God had called me to be. The criticisms hurt, of course. But they didn't immobilize me. I felt the blows, yes, but they didn’t change my mission or my values. Because thick skin—like chain mail—means you feel the impact without absorbing the injury deeply. It’s protection without paralysis.

This doesn't happen overnight. Like a blacksmith crafting chain mail, forging thick skin in leadership requires time, intentionality, and wisdom. It comes from anchoring your identity not in people's opinions but in something far more solid: your calling, your character, and your confidence in God’s approval. It’s forged in prayer, sharpened by wise counsel, and shaped by humility.

The Danger of Extreme Armor

I've known leaders who've put on heavy, rigid armor after being wounded. "Never again," they say. They refuse to trust or connect, their hearts now sealed off. They might be safe from criticism, but they've also lost the agility needed to truly lead people. These leaders stop caring deeply enough to listen. Eventually, isolation takes root. Their organizations suffer, their teams disengage, and their leadership becomes ineffective.

Conversely, I’ve known sensitive leaders who never protect themselves at all. Every small criticism knocks them down. They internalize the pain, becoming ineffective and timid. Fear replaces courage. Pleasing people replaces staying true to their mission. Eventually, they’re too wounded to lead boldly.

Neither extreme works.

Crafting Your Own Chain Mail

So, how do we develop leadership that wears chain mail, metaphorically speaking? How do we take punches without internalizing injury?

1. Decide in advance who you will be. Establish clear, non-negotiable values and convictions. Chain mail leaders know their identity is not defined by public opinion but by their mission and the God who called them.

2. Be intentional in building emotional resilience. Welcome criticism as inevitable, even valuable at times, but learn to filter it. Don’t let it pierce your identity; let it refine your character. Like metal rings woven together, weave healthy relationships, wise counselors, and regular spiritual practices around your life. They provide strength, flexibility, and support exactly when you need it most.

3. Maintain empathy intentionally. Thick skin isn't callousness—it’s wisdom. Even while enduring criticism, intentionally remind yourself to stay soft toward others. Jesus modeled this perfectly. Constantly misunderstood, frequently attacked, yet never losing compassion for those around him.

The Punches Serve a Purpose

Looking back at my tough decision this past week, it hurt more than anticipated. But even amid the punches, I felt God’s reassurance. Being misunderstood is painful, yet it can also clarify your vision and deepen your conviction. Taking hits often proves you're doing something meaningful, something worth fighting for.

Chain mail leadership isn't painless. You’ll still feel the sting of criticism, just like a medieval soldier could feel the blunt force of a strike. But that criticism won't stop you, injure you deeply, or cause you to question your calling. You’ll remain agile, responsive, and compassionate even under fire.

This is the kind of leadership I desire for myself, and it’s what I believe every leader—every ReLeader—must intentionally cultivate.

So don’t fear the punches; expect them. Let them test you, refine you, but never define you. Keep moving forward, agile and protected.

Because, as I've discovered, great leaders aren’t defined by their immunity to criticism—they’re defined by their ability to let it refine them without defining them.